Let the wrong begin

I was going to go get pierced today (probably for the wrong reasons honestly) but I was twarted by a lack of a piercer in New Paltz. Instead Jesse and I sat around the Muddy Cup drinking coffee and chatting about recent events and other random things. It was fairly pleasant. Afterwards we watched a horrible movie at her place (my choice of movie was flawed) ad then I went on home.

My head is still all over the place. I feel like I should just repeat that over and over because that is all my mind seems able to do, repeat things over and over again. I'll be home most of tomorrow catching up on school work and trying to help out around the house. I have a shagload of chores to do I just haven't had any interest in doing the past week or so. I do need to run out and get food for my lizards and take care of one or two other things. I'm leaving to visit my mom in a few days. I'm not sure if I am excited or not. I don't really like being gone from my household for that many days in a row. I miss my kids and my housemates and I have pets that require attention but I like seeing my mom. It is probably good for me to get away for a while but I really don't want to. I wish my mom lived a bit closer. Then I could visit more often without it eating a week of my time.

There are so many things I want to say to so many people right now. The thoughts crowd the back of my teeth waiting for a chance to escape. So many things it feels like drowning while awake.

Gonna head to bed now. I believe my mood has fallen again. I should go to the doctor and get things checked but it requires too much energy and I just don't care enough to bother.

Yeah it's me again.

It is well past 3 in the morning and I intend to be awake by 9ish to help out around the house and maybe go grocery shopping so technically I should be asleep. And, honestly, I almost was but I dragged myself away from the edge (unfortunately it is never that hard for me) to post this bit which has been running around me head.

Because of various things going on in my head and around me I just wanted to share this. I know I've posted similar things before but these aren't things I feel can be said enough. I love my family. If I ended the post here, on that one sentence, it would be enough because that is the heart of the matter. I love my family. I love every single person who is a part of it. Both those who live with me right now and those who don't. I may want to strangle any one of them at any point but that doesn't change basic facts. This life we are trying to build, this strange, non-conventional little grouping is worth it all. It was worth the heartache, it is worth the late nights, it is worth the tears, it is worth the pain, it is just plain worth it. I can't explain to you why, I'm not even sure I could show you why and if bad things happen years from now I suspect I will think the exact same thing - it is all worth it. I got to show off part of my family to another part of my family last weekend (I actually will do the graduation post at some point) and it was perfection. I wanted, no, needed my mom to meet my family and she did and it was perfect. Well okay not perfect, Gwennie threw a last minute tantrum during the toast, Matt and Jeff were late getting home and didn't warn us, and I was a little wired but still everything I wanted to happen did happen. And it was as perfect as it needed to be. My mom and stepfather visited. Mom got to bounce the closest thing she'll get to grandchildren for a few years on her knee and she got to see exactly why I'm so in love with this family. I graduated by the skin of my teeth.

I'm not actually sure where I'm going with this post or why I'm posting it. Maybe you're all sick of hearing me blather on about how much I love these people and this place. Honestly if you are what the hell are you doing reading my journal? I don't intend for what I post to change ever again and I like that feeling. I moved so much when I was a kid, and my mom had a doctor's degree to attain that I am practically reveling in the family thing. Now, I will admit it isn't perfect. I have my bad moments. I have moments of sheer and blinding jealousy and envy but they pass because those emotions are always fleeting for me. But overall things are good. Even when I feel like a waste of space things are so good it is indecent.

I'm kind of babbling here I know but well I guess what I'm getting to is if you want something, really truly want something, go for it! ANd if you don't want it enough to have the balls to try, let it go and move on to find something you want that bad. Life should never be about half-way measures. You cheat yourself adn everyone around you when you waver like an idiot. Grab what you want and hold on, because the ride doesn't get any less bumpy. Don't sit around and talk yourself out of it. Don't sabotage what you could have with doubts. Try and hard as you can because you do not get the golden life through being lazy. Yeah things are hard sometimes. Hell things are hard lots of times. Sometimes it is easier to just go with what you know instead of reaching for what you know could be soo sooo good. I was scared senseless when I moved here. I still am half the time. When one or the other of my housemates is fighting with another I get flashback from my parents fighting. I start worrying that someone is going to break up and my home will turn into crap again. I get absolutely terrified but throughout my panic I try and remember that these people want it as much as I do. That while none of us are related beyond kinship lines and the lines of friendship we want this family to become just that, a family. We want there to be grandchildren running all over the place. We want to have Jack bring home his girl(or boy)friends to torment with stories and pictures. We want to live until we are old together and I can hit people with a cane I don't need. We want to sit on our when we are really old yelling old obscene jokes and having no idea why or what they mean but knowing that it was funny once and it weirdly enough meant something special. This is what we want and because we want it bad enough we are going to make it happen. Not because we are smarter, or cooler, or better then anyone, but because we want it bad enough to work at it. And as anyone who has ever been in any type of serious relationship will tell you, if you want it to succeed then you have to put the effort and work into it. Relationships are only as good as you make them. And I think we're making this one pretty special.

*gets off the soapbox* Hmm whoops hadn't realized I had stepped up there. Well now that I have throughly bored you and hopefully made you all a little jealous I'm going to go stare at my ceiling and not sleep for a while. *sigh* Win some, you lose some.

PS If all the mosquitoes could die right now that would be good, thanks.

Hey everyone welcome my mom to Livejournal ^_^ mahaessler

Yay I have infected my mom with Livejournal. Bwhahahahaha

Mom and George My Mom and her George at their vacation up in Canada

Here's a new piccy of my mommy she sent me. It is so weird seeing her now. She doesn't look much like my mom anymore. *shrugs* it is odd but she seems happy.